Unbelievably, it was five years this week that I bought Haven. I’ll be here a couple more days and, if all goes well, I’ll be heading to Mérida on Wednesday.
I am just as sad as I am excited to leave. I don’t think I could convey just how incalculably in love I am with the place where I thought I might finally put down roots and how bereft and cheated I feel that I have to leave it. I thought it was difficult to leave Quebec for good, but I didn’t choose to be québécoise, and that is what makes all the difference.
I fought hard to make it possible to stay at Haven. I couldn’t leave with a clear conscience if I didn’t. I have no doubt that if it weren’t for the Internet situation, moving to Mexico would have been a passing fancy at best. I was very content with the vision I had for my future of summers (four to five months a year) at Haven, travel in the shoulder seasons, and winters (three to four months) somewhere hot. That would satisfy the two halves of me, the one that needs to go and the one that is content with quiet domesticity.
Excited as I am at the thought of a fresh start in Mexico, I have a lot of letting go to do. I don’t even know if I can do that. I still have in my mind that maybe five ten years from now, when I don’t need to work as much, I’ll be able to go spend those summers puttering around Haven after building a house on the property. I cling to this dream even as I know that my life has likely irrevocably moved away from my little bit of prairie. I’ll likely buy property in Mexico and find it too inconvenient and expensive to return to Saskatchewan. Or I might get an offer on Haven that is too good to turn down. And I have to remember that my beloved neighbours might not be around that much longer.
So I have to leave looking forward. My country has told me for decades now that what I want is unacceptable to it. It has made it very clear that if I am to thrive here, I have to toe the line and that I must live where they say if I want healthcare, driving privileges, affordable education, and Internet access. I am tired of fighting for my right to live as and where I want to in this country. It is time to let out a deep breath, brace myself for the challenge of dealing with another country’s red tape, and stop expending so much energy trying to change things in a country that sees no reason to change.
Today, I began packing in earnest, going so far as to take down pictures, wrap them up, and put them in the truck. I have begun dismantling the place I’ve called home for the last nine years even if I didn’t live there continuously. I know that if I don’t do that, I’ll never feel “at home” wherever I land in Mexico. I can’t bring everything with me, but when I shut the door Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning, I want to drive away feeling that I’m not leaving much behind that is part of my story.
I’ve been getting a lot of comments and emails from folks saying how excited they are for me, so this post is my response to those missives. To be honest, I’m having a really hard time getting motivated to pack up. I just want to sit by the fire with my friends and enjoy coffee while looking over my beloved hills. I am very excited about going to Mexico and have no regrets, but being home is as hard as I expected it would be and I’m giving myself time to grieve.
High winds in northern sky will carry you away
You know you have to leave here
You wish that you could stay
There’s four directions on this map
But you’re only going one way
Due South ……. (that’s the way I’m going)
Saddle up my travelling shoes
I’m bound to walk away these blues